The Girl With the Anxious Heart

I had no idea. I had no idea how far I had pushed myself. I did not realize the long-term effects of anxiety. I had no idea that by saying yes to everything, I was saying no to myself.

My name is Juli Anna Stanford and I struggle with anxiety.

It started when I was a freshman in high school. I did not understand why I would get these weird headaches before dance competitions or auditions. Sometimes when studying for tests I would get nauseous without running a fever or any other signs of illness. It wasn’t until my junior year of high school that I realized I had been struggling with anxiety. This anxiety was a part of me that I had not recognized. It wasn’t until I was in the middle of a panic attack brought on by being yelled at that I realized I was dealing with something bigger than myself. I felt so hopeless and so lost. I tried dance. I tried yoga. I tried meditation. I could not deal with this on my own.

It was not until my senior year of high school after a season of a lot of stress brought on my situations outside of my control that I realized something had to be done. I was bothered by perpetual headaches and I would even get dizzy when I got nervous. I felt like I was weak. I felt that I was not strong enough to deal with life. I thought that I was the only one who felt like this.

I have always had an open stream of communication with my parents about my anxiety. They have always encouraged me to share with them how I was feeling- especially if I got overwhelmed. Towards the end of my senior year, I met with my pediatrician and share my symptoms with her. She diagnosed me with social anxiety and said it was totally normal- but that there’s medicine I could take that would prevent the headaches. I was determined to not have to take medicine. I wanted to fight this beast and I wanted to do it alone. I had been to a counselor once after my freshman year and he gave me coping mechanisms for my anxiety. But they were not enough. My fighting was not enough. I needed help.

I decided that I should start taking anxiety meds while I was at the beach with my family. I was with my favorite people in the world and could not stop worrying. I talked with my mom one morning as we watched the sun rise and I said with tears in my eyes, “I can’t do it anymore”. She and my dad comforted me and reassured me that taking medicine would help. I started the medicine as soon as we got home after that trip.

It was exactly one month until I started my freshman year at UT that I started taking anxiety medicine. My pediatrician warned me that it would take about a month for my body to regulate to the medicine, so I spent the next month at home hoping and praying that the medicine would work. After a few days of taking the medicine, I went numb. As I was packing up for college and getting ready to move away from home for the first time, I felt nothing. I, who have always been the first to weep at the thought of leaving home, could not cry. I was not happy, I was not sad. I was not excited, I was not worried. One night I remember sitting in my room crying out to God and pleading with him that this would work. I was crying out for help. I just wanted to feel again. I felt emptiness that I’ve never felt, and I pray I never feel again. Now, this whole time I’m in constant communication with my pediatrician who assures me this is normal, and it was. One month almost exactly after I started taking medicine, I felt like I could feel again. I was able to feel absolute joy in spending my last few days with my family before I left for school. I was able to laugh when my dad made a terrible joke. I was able to cry when I said goodbye to my parents.

Living with anxiety has been quite an adventure, to say the least. I am still learning how to live with my past and learn from it rather than hide from it. I am still learning how to share my story in order to bring comfort to others. I believe the greatest blessing that has come from this journey is my ability to share Hope. I serve a God bigger than my inadequacy. I serve a God bigger than my fears. I serve a God bigger than my feelings. You too, my friend, serve a God that is greater than your mental health battles. You serve a God greater than your past. You serve a God bigger than your reality. 

WE serve a God that is greater.